i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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