how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
