he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
