happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
So. Much. Porn.
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