One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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