Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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