Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
