She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
