Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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