farters have to be the big spoon...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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