I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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