He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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