i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
