Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
