remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
