she was so not down for the gang bang
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize