Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
