I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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