I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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