One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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