Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
