Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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