so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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