Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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