My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
