apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
