You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
