Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
