I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
