if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
