what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
