I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
