Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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