I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
