U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
