Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I will be naked everywhere
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
