Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Come share oat with me in your robe
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
