Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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