I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
