He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
