Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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