He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
There's always time for handjobs
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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