I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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