You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
