Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize