so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I need to sanitize my soul.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
