I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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