Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
