...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
