I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
