So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
