Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Randomize
