If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
