You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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