she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
