I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
