i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
