I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
